If debate doesn’t work, what does?
We are living in a deeply polarized moment.
People we love, respect, and care about hold views that can feel impossible to understand. Views that don’t align with our values. Views we struggle to make sense of.
And when that happens, the instinct is to change their minds. So we debate. We bring facts. We share examples. We try to make the strongest possible case. And more often than not, it doesn’t work.
Each person doubles down, digs in, and declares the moral high ground. If anything, it leaves both people more certain in their position than when the conversation started.
So what does that mean for those of us trying to create change? It requires others to come with us. Because change doesn't happen in isolation. And if debate doesn’t change hearts and minds…what does?
I’ve been thinking a lot about this, and I keep coming back to two things:
Stories
Core values
Or more specifically, stories rooted in core values.
Stories matter because they make someone else’s challenge personally relatable. Stories put a human face on something that can otherwise feel remote. Stories create connection. They help someone see an issue not just as an idea, but as a lived experience. And when that story is grounded in a value someone already holds, something shifts.
A clear example of this is the movement for marriage equality in the United States.
There were decades of advocacy and legal work that made that progress possible. But one of the most significant forces that moved the needle was storytelling.
Toward the later stages of that movement, people from all backgrounds and across the political spectrum began to connect the issue to someone in their own life. An LGBTQ friend. A sibling. A child. Someone they loved.
And the conversation started to shift.
It wasn’t just about policy anymore. It was about what it would mean for that person to be able to get married. To build a life. To be recognized.
At the center of those stories was a universal core value: Love.
“Love is love” – a mantra of the movement for gay rights and marriage equality that gained prominence in the early 2000s – resonated because everyone could recognize it in themselves and their dearest people. It wasn’t something that needed to be argued or explained.
I saw this idea come up in a different way at a recent book event.
While speaking with a group of people who are deeply engaged in advocacy in their community, the topic arose of how we can change other people’s minds.
One attendee shared that instead of debating the merits of an issue, she had been trying something different. She had been grounding her conversations in shared values; appealing to empathy, kindness, safety.
So I asked her: Has that been effective?
She paused for a moment and then said: Yes. But it takes time. It’s not instant.
And that stuck with me.
Because when I think about the moments where I’ve changed my own mind on something meaningful, it wasn’t because of one conversation or one set of facts. It wasn’t because another person was passionately willing me to do so.
It was because something connected back to my core values. And it happened over time.
And just as importantly, it happened because the people around me gave me the space to get there. They gave me time. They gave me grace. They didn’t force the conclusion.
That has implications for how we approach change.
Because when debate doesn’t work, it pushes us to ask a different question:
What does it actually look like to bring people with us?
We can’t rely on facts and figures alone. Rather than yelling at them about how wrong they are, we must intentionally create opportunities for other people to evolve their thinking on key issues over time; on who they vote for, who they listen to, and how they show up in their communities.
A mindful approach to creating opportunities for people to evolve their issue positions includes:
Staying the course
Changing hearts and minds doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time, consistency, and a willingness to keep showing up, even when nothing seems to shift right away. As the changemaker, your role is to take focused action toward your vision for the world as it should be. It's a long-game, and getting too distracted by short-terms metrics can be a distraction you don’t need.
Tell stories
Stories create connection. They make something real. They help people see not just the issue, but the human experience behind it. You must always, without compromise, be developing and telling stories about the people most impacted by the change you’re seeking to make. This is one of the most important things you can be doing as a changemaker.
Lead with core values
Anchor your message in something universal. Love. Safety. Fairness. Belonging.
Think about the core values at the center of your messaging and storytelling and make sure it shines through. It is values that people already recognize in themselves that can create the biggest shifts.
Focus on universality
Keep coming back to what is shared. Love is for everyone. Safety is for everyone. Compassion is for everyone.
One of the biggest shifts we can create for people is to move them from “My safety is threatened by group X” to “Group X deserves safety as much as I do.”
When we ground our work in values that feel universal, we create more space for people to come with us.
When it comes to making change, there is an essential ingredient that is easy to miss: time.
We have to give people the time to wrestle with big ideas. Time to connect it back to what matters to them. Time to change.
Because most of us didn’t arrive at our beliefs instantly either. We got there over time, often because someone gave us the space, grace, and respect to do that on our own.
That’s what real change asks of us. Not just conviction, but patience.